


Say Goodbye

by soonhaee



Series: The Art of Letting Go [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:27:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 7,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22447942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soonhaee/pseuds/soonhaee
Summary: Jeonghan thought that he was going to spend the rest of his life with Seungcheol, the love of his life. They were on their way to help their best friends, Soonyoung and Jihoon, when fate decided to make a mess of Jeonghan’s life.An accident claimed Seungcheol’s life, leaving Jeonghan to deal with the pain of living without him. It was never part of Jeonghan’s plan to live without him. He fought hard against the pain of losing him, until one day he couldn’t and the unbearable pain pushed him to the edge.But it didn’t work, he was saved to live a half life. Just when he thought that he could no longer bear the loneliness, the heavens must have pitied him and sent him back his one true love, only this time he was the only one who could see and feel him.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Chwe Hansol | Vernon, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Jeon Wonwoo/Kim Mingyu, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Series: The Art of Letting Go [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615291
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21





	1. SUMMARY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW : Major Character death / Mentions of Harming oneself / Mentions of Taking One's Life
> 
> Note: Chapter 1 to 16 is written in poetry form. I find it best to convey a particular emotion if written as a poem. The rest will be written from Jeonghan's Point of view, except for the flashbacks which are written in third person.

Jeonghan thought that he was going to spend the rest of his life with Seungcheol, the love of his life. They were on their way to help their best friends, Soonyoung and Jihoon, when fate decided to make a mess of Jeonghan’s life.

An accident claimed Seungcheol’s life, leaving Jeonghan to deal with the pain of living without him. It was never part of Jeonghan’s plan to live without him. He fought hard against the pain of losing him, until one day he couldn’t and the unbearable pain pushed him to the edge.

But it didn’t work, he was saved to live a half life. Just when he thought that he could no longer bear the loneliness, the heavens must have pitied him and sent him back his one true love, only this time he was the only one who could see and feel him.

Sneak peek:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated!
> 
> Rants are also welcome as long as they stay respectful. Drop them at my twitter @soonhaee or https://curiouscat.me/soonhaee
> 
> Thank you!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions and descriptions of taking one’s life. 
> 
> ⛔️ - Don’t read.

**THE COLOR BLACK**

I have been to a number of funerals,

for long forgotten acquaintances,

not so close relatives,

a neighbor's neighbor,

or a friend's friend.

I braved the bleakness of the air, 

felt drizzle of tears not my own,

float without much care

in an ocean of overwhelming despair,

Never understanding how vast the loss can be --

Until today.

The sun--

being it's usual self, 

was bright and warm.

Stained glass windows shimmered under its scrutiny,

Outside the breeze sung a soft tune,

while the trees danced joyfully.

The butterflies wallowed in the day's perfection,

painting a flawless picture.

It was a perfect day to --

feel nothing.

I see--

Flowers of different colors,

draped with green leaves and vines,

underneath a shimmering cross in the middle,

An angel bashing in rainbow

from the nearby stained glass window,

A black dog

held by a man in black suit,

Black rosaries,

Black dresses,

Black veils,

just black. 

I once told Seungcheol I love the color black,

I love how it creates depth,

how it brings variation of hues to other colors,

how it emphasizes the brightness

with darkness,

how...

But black also absorbs light,

an absence of color,

an absence of life--

I'm not sure I love black anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🐥 - soonhaee
> 
> Rants: 
> 
> curiouscat: soonhaee


	3. Chapter 3

**ACHROMATIC**

Beyond the modest efflorescence of spring,

and the greenery embracing it,

Underneath the gold cross,

Illuminated by the creeping sun,

Enfold in rainbow

from the nearby stained glass window,

Emphasized by

the plethora of black,

lies a white casket--

devouring everything to achromatic gloom. 


	4. Chapter 4

**ABANDONED**

Abandoned coat

despite the freezing cold,

frozen hands

with no one to hold,

broken promises,

heart refused to be consoled.


	5. Chapter 5

****

**BROKEN PROMISE**

Jisoo,

to console

reached for my hands,

frozen and numb from the cold,

I refused.

Let the cold embrace me,

it numbs me.

Let it clasp my hand,

it keeps my heart from shattering.

Let it freeze me,

it keeps the promised tears at bay.

Let the cold comfort me,

my source of warmth has flee.

"Promise to keep warm?"

Seungcheol once asked me.

I nodded and promised,

while he held my easily cold hand.

His face appeared on the screen,

Music starts to play,

while Jihoon softly sings,

your last lullaby,

before our goodbye. 

I closed my eyes and

for a second I'm back in Borobudur,

surrounded by five hundred four Buddha images,

both of us clad in colorful batiks.

I stared at you

as you failingly try to meditate,

eyes closed and a shadow of a smile.

I took your hand in mine.

"Never leave me, okay?"

I asked him.

He promised.

He broke his,

I guess I can break mine. 


	6. Chapter 6

**REMEMBER**

The minister speaks:

Keep him in our hearts,

Treasure the memories,

and he'll never be apart.

He is in everything he has touched,

everywhere he has been.

He is always with us--

just remember.

To remember--

Everything reminds me of his absence,

Every place reminds me that he's gone,

Every memory reminds of the end.

Seungcheol is everywhere--

except here.


	7. Chapter 7

**SILENCE**

Silence-

the service ended in silence.

Everything's unmoving,

the placid river of tears

shackled,

muffled.

Silent-

Just like your laughter in the picture,

eyes crinkled in happiness,

cheeks swelled and flushed, 

head thrown back,

unconstrained.

Something I will never see again,

the thought threatened to disrupt  
  
the deceitful tranquility that embraced me.

Silence-

from you,

there is nothing but silence,

just the deafening sound of finality.

No more sighs when you're mad,

patter of tears when sad,

those cute hiccup sounds when you giggle, 

no more whimpers and sniffles.

No more smooches,

No I love yous,

No whispers of forever,

just silence.

Silence-

it screams finality.

The lack of sound tells me,

beyond this 

there is nothing,

no more expectations,

no more hopes of possibilities,

no chances of mistakes,

no memories left to make.

You're gone.

My love,

Seungcheol,

you've gone silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -This chapter is dedicated to a close cousin and even a closer friend.


	8. Chapter 8

**A PROCESSION OF CONDOLENCES**

After the service-

followed

a procession of condolences,

comforting hugs,

a quick hand shake,

from teary eyed faces

of families and friends.

His family stood by the exit,

accepting comfort

from consoling words,

seeking solace from others,

eyes blank and filled with pain,

hearts not just broken,

but shattered.

I stood in line-

despite Jisoo’s protective embrace,

fear and guilt gripped me.

How will I face them,

when I’m the one who took him away?

What comfort can I offer,

when I’m the reason he’s gone?

Outside-

the sky darkened,

clouds hid the sun,

rain starts to pour,

the sky is crying,

just like that dreadful night

when you were taken-

away from me.


	9. Chapter 9

**PITTER PATTER**

Tap tap tap!

The rain was frantic.

Stop stop stop!

The rain warned.

Stay stay stay!

The rain begged.

Safe safe safe!

The rain prayed.

Pitter-patter,

Pitter-patter,

the rain screamed louder.

Pitter-patter,

Pitter-patter,

the rain warned of danger. 


	10. Chapter 10

**IGNORING THE RAIN**

That night,

the rain poured anxiously.

Each raindrop warned us-

stay,

keep safe,

a warning we did not heed.

Our hearts were too anxious,

for our friends

who were both in pain.

Soon and Hoon,

the sun and his moon-

were dying.

Faced with a crossroad,

hearts being pulled away,

no matter how desperate both

wanted to stay.

They love each other

too much

to ask,

to say,

don't leave,

don't go,

please stay,

Both were afraid to say.

Jihoon's dreams were within reach.

Soonyoung promised himself not to get in the way.

So when Jihoon said he was giving up

and chose to stay,

he (Soonyoung) thought there's nothing left to do,

nothing left to say,

there's just one decision left to make.

Let go,

push his love away,

even if his heart breaks.

We both love them,

both our bestfriends,

that when a hysterical and crying Jihoon called,

we did not hesitate.

We rushed to the car,

despite the rain,

the rain that kept crying

desperately calling,

and despairingly begging,

for us to stay.


	11. Chapter 11

**FLASHES**

Raindrops

on your eyelashes,

tender touches on your cheeks,

hair brushed aside,

your loving smile,

despite your worried eyes,

with hands intertwined.

The rain kept pouring,

the radio kept playing,

outside the wind kept roaring,

while you kept driving.

In a blink of an eye,

a flash of light,

the sound of horn blaring,

metal on metal beating,

tire screeching,

a loud sound,

the warmth of an embrace-

darkness.


	12. Chapter 12

**DYING**

Disoriented,

coppery taste of blood,

a buzzing noise,

the sound of rain on metal,

shallow breathes of cramped air,

thoughts being jumbled,

everything felt like being crumbled.

Your eyes closed,

your face still,

red are my tears,

breath strangled by fear.

For a second your eyelids fluttered,

fingers twitched a little,

shallow breathes,

and a soft whisper-

Hanie...

Then everything went silent,

whitenoise disappeared,

everything stopped,

everything stilled.

Pain and agony was what kept me breathing,

seeing him stilled my heart stopped beating,

I hear it shattering,

my fears were gripping,

to despair I am yielding.

My world was ending,

my life fading,

when you stopped breathing,

I was dying.


	13. Chapter 13

****

**A MOTHER’S EYES**

A tap on my shoulder

woke me up from my reverie.

By the exit,

his mother’s sorrowful eyes

confronted me.

A hesitant smile,

a brief hug,

it makes me wonder,

behind these gestures,

is there anger?

I...

I am...

I grasp for words to offer

to let her know,

how much I regret,

how I will never forget,

how desperately I want for time to reset,

how I wish I died instead,

how I love him so much,

how excruciatingly painful...

how much I am...

”I am sorry,”

I whispered.

With a gentle smile,

she reached for my hands,

and a gentle squeeze said it all.

No words needed,

her eyes reveal the truth.

No trace of anger,

eyes still loving but sadder,

just filled with worry,

not even a bit of fury.

”Are you okay Hanie?”

She asked me,

and just like that

I broke down.

The tears I tried to stop started falling,

the pain I tried to endure came crashing,

every reason to breathe was fading,

every bit of my world was crumbling.

She held me tight,

we were both crying.

When I looked at her,

her eyes mirrored

what I was feeling. 


	14. Chapter 14

**END OF THE ROAD**

Jisoo ushered me to the car.

We left the church for a nearby graveyard.

Jihoon was driving,

with Soonyoung beside him sitting,

both were lost in thought,

both quiet in heartbreak and grief.

The rest of our friends were not far.

They chose to drive in another car,

though wanting to stay close evident in their faces,

they chose to give me space,

not overwhelm me with their (sad) embraces,

and gave me time to cry in a safe place.

The four of us drove in silence.

It was a journey full of pretense,

with faltering smiles we kept pretending,

All of us trying to endure the overwhelming feeling

of emptiness,

of loss.

The pain,

we tried to keep at bay,

hoping that tomorrow everything will be okay.

I sat by the window,

watched the scenery go by,

made blurry by the rain,

observing life go by thru the window pane.

It’s funny how everything was the same,

outside my world,

nothing has changed,

there were puppies running,

by the playground children were playing,

soaked but laughing,

happy that it’s raining.

For everyone,

life keeps going,

a million reasons to keep smiling,

a hundred to keep on living,

while I can’t find it in me to keep breathing.

The car stopped moving,

the engine stopped humming,

the clouds for a bit stop crying,

the bleak air was drowning,

along the trees that were swaying,

were gravestones in solemn neat rows standing,

a reminder that this was our road ending.


	15. Chapter 15

****

**GOODBYE**

Ashes

to Ashes,

Dust

to dust.

What I saw in the graveyard

reflected how I felt. 

There was a light rain shower,

while dark clouds completely obscured every bit of the the sun.

Everyone hid under their dark umbrellas,

sheltering them from the rain,

but not from the cold,

not from the pain.

Shoes soiled with mud,

they stood near your casket,

hands clutched tightly,

breathing controlled,

tears falling silently.

It felt like a black and white movie.

Everything felt

pale, dull, and faded. 

The world was still spinning, 

but in the wrong direction. 

Everything around me, 

the trees, the flowers, myself

were wilting. 

The possibility of you and me, 

fading, 

completely disappearing. 

"Let us pray,"

the minister said. 

Is this the part 

where I'm supposed to say goodbye?

It's so unfair.

Why do you have to die?

What am I supposed to do

For the rest of my life?

Seuncheol-ah, come back.

Please, save me from all these strife. 

Please don't leave me.

Please... 

Jisoo held my hand tight. 

He knows me too well. 

He knows that my silence was not real.

He knows just how much I struggle, 

How much pain I felt. 

He led me to where you lie, 

it was our turn to say our goodbyes. 

Standing before you, 

with your eyes closed, 

your face so still, 

I suddenly did not want to let go. 

I clutched the flower I was supposed to offer, 

gripped tightly till the thorns broke my skin, 

my hand was bleeding, 

my world was crumbling, 

everyrthing shattering, 

my heart was breaking

but still desperately pleading, 

Please Seungcheol,

tell me,

How do I stop you from leaving?

Beside me, Jisoo was crying.

I stared at you,

despairingly hoping for a smile,

please,

please,

please,

don’t leave me.

We were led to the side.

It was finally time.

They prepared to lower your casket,

slowly and painfully, 

I watched,

as the earth swallowed you

to where you’ll forever lie,

but still I can’t say it,

I won’t say it,

Please, don’t make me say it.

Seungcheol,

I can’t say...

...goodbye.


	16. Chapter 16

**ONE MORE DAY**

Seungcheol-ah...

Cheollie…

Are you there?

It’s the dead of the night,

And your absence invades my thoughts.

This eerie silence provokes me into despair,

It taunts me with life,

A bitter reminder that you are gone,

And I am lost.

It’s the seventh day,

I miss you.

I used to jump ahead in our life together,

And I see our future,

Clear and defined by time.

Wrinkles and grey hairs here and there,

But still us.

But now,

All I see is the end,

All I see are the

Unfinished conversations,

Unreturned smiles,

Lonely anniversaries,

Unfulfilled promises,

Fading memories.

Your face never changing,

Your smile constant.

(For us,

There’ll be no

Wrinkles and grey hairs).

In dreams,

I still hear your voice,

I hear it in my thoughts,

I hear you say my name.

There’s too much laughter in sleep,

Too much love,

Too much memories.

When I wake,

There are tears streaming down my face.

As the silence creeps in,

As the sound of your voice fades,

I see the things we didn’t get to do,

I hear the things we didn’t get to say.

And I find myself desperate

For one more day.

Just one more day.

One more day to walk in the rain,

One more day in the beach,

One more day to go on a drive,

A day for sunsets and horse rides.

One more day to for cuddles and kisses,

Laughter and tickles,

A day for senseless fights.

One more day on jeep,

Please, just one more memory to keep.

One more smile,

One more embrace,

OnE more kiss,

One more I love you.

Just one more day,

It’s all I can bear.

Just one more day,

Without you.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⛔️⛔️⛔️
> 
> tw: self harm / selfharm / death / suicide
> 
> Please be conscious of the trigger warning.

**SEE YOU **

It’s becoming too much,

breathing.

I try to go through the motion,

open my eyes,

gather what’s left of me,

to get through another day.

But the emptiness,

the space you left,

it’s so vast,

it drowns me.

I’m sorry,

I think you’ve forgotten.

I’m not as strong as I pretend.

Time will not heal these wounds.

My heart will not stop screaming in pain,

it will never stop mentioning you,

it will never stop longing for you,

it will never stop searching for you.

There is no end,

to this agony.

I wonder, 

how many lifetime’s must I abruptly end

till I find you again?

How long will I be searching?

How long will I be longing?

How long must I wait

till I can breathe again?

I’m sorry,

my heart is in too much despair,

the monsters in my head have won,

darkness has engulfed me,

and there is no way out,

but to succumed

to sleep.

I took the blade,

under the moonless sky,

trembling but certain,

I put an end to my pain.

As the blood drips down my hands,

the physical pain relieves ne

the pressure in my heart.

In a moment,

I will be nothing more than a fleeting memory,

a thought.

In a moment,

I will be free,

on my way home,

on my way to you.

As the world fades,

I close my eyes,

and your smile becomes clearer.

I am almost out of breath,

but I am filled with relief.

I am no longer in pain.

I was finally on my way,

running home,

running to you. 

Seungcheol-ah,

I miss you,

I love you,

and see you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated. 
> 
> Rants are welcome as long as they remain respectful: @soonhaee or curiouscat.me/soonhaee


	18. Why Am I Here?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: self harm / selfharm / death / suicide
> 
> Please be conscious of the trigger warning.

**Jeonghan's Journal**

I opened my eyes and everything was dark and grey. It seemed that the world decided to erase every bit of color while I asleep. Everything turned grey in a blink of an eye. I looked around and everything was still. The hum of electricity that was always present in the house was gone. The small chatter coming from the neighbor’s house disappeared. There were no cars passing by. The wind seemed to have stopped visiting, and the trees no longer had a reason to dance. Every sound seemed to have been taken away, when the rain suddenly decided to stop, leaving traces of dampness everywhere it touched. For a second, I thought I was dead and the afterlife was just the place where you used to live before you died, only colorless, damp, and silent.

But I wasn’t. I could still feel the soft beat of my heart as it tries so hard to keep me alive. I could still feel the strong need to breath, no matter how I try to fight it. I thought that I have escaped the pain of living without you, but I was so wrong. I was alive, and I hated it.

I stared out the window, caressed by the droplets of water that the rain seemed to have left. I can only see darkness. There was nothing to see outside, or nothing worth seeing rather. I have long lost any reason to continue this bland existence. There was just darkness, and at that very moment there was nothing more I want than to be engulf in it. I willed the rain to comeback, maybe it will help me drown into it’s embrace. I willed the shadows to embrace me, maybe it will help me vanish into the darkness.

The first words I spoke when I woke up, clad in a white gown surrounded by beeping machines and something up my nose, was to ask: Why did they stop me? Why did they save me? I was okay. I was finally on my way to Seungcheol, but they stopped me. I screamed at my friends in anger as I was finally on my way to Seungcheol, and they just had to stop me.

Those were the first few words that I screamed at my friends when I woke up at the staring at the white walls of the hospital and realized that I failed, something that I knew I shouldn’t have said. They were just doing what was right. It wasn’t their fault that I didn’t want to live anymore. It wasn’t their fault that the only reason I had for living had been taken away.

I looked around my surrounding and realized I was back in my room. I had no idea how much time had past since that day. The last thing I remembered was seeing red all over and passing out into oblivion. I remember relief from this persistent ache in my chest. I remember closing my eyes with the determination of finality. I remember waking up and asking: Why am I here again? Why am I in this bad dream again? I am back to this hallow existence we call life and I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried to escape, but it brought me back. I guess life was not yet done beating me up to pieces.

“Seungcheol?” I called out, hoping to have woken up to a completely different world where everything was not falling apart. I was hoping maybe it was all a bad dream, that you were gone and I am alone. I was hoping that I woke up in a world where Seungcheol was still there and everything was okay. But nothing was okay. Seungcheol is still gone, and nothing in life can comfort me enough to make me want to stay.

“Jeonghan?”

I was startled from my reverie when my best friend Joshua came in the room. He turned on the lights and noticed the clutter in the room.

They have been housemates since the beginning of college, and best friends since they were kids. There was a brief moment when Joshua had to leave for the States but nothing’s changed when he came back after being away for 5 years. But that’s a story for another time.The mess was normal since we lived with two other friends, Seokmin and Seungkwan. Jihoon used to live with us, but I guess he moved out after everything that happened. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine, but again that’s a story for another time or not. I don’t know. In my current state, I don’t really have the energy to make decisions. I don’t even have the energy to clean and organize just like I used to.

I was always in the mood to stare into nothingness and be miserable. Everything that used to interest me before just suddenly seemed pointless. The strawberries were bitter. The books were boring. My lego collection seemed pointless. We’re all going to die anyway, why bother with these useless things that won’t matter much in the end. Nothing matters. The only thing that mattered to me was taken away, so why bother with life?

_I’m sorry, Shua._ I apologized. _I’m sorry that I’m still here when all I want is nothing more but for the universe to pity me into oblivion. I just want to disappear._

Joshua noticed that I was still on the seat where he left him in the morning. It was already night. He sigh and walked closer to me who was sitting on the couch facing the window. It was becoming my favorite place, the couch by the window where I can see life past me by, reminding me that I was still stuck in my miserable state with no escape in view.

“Han?” He asked. I wanted to respond, but I didn’t. I just didn’t have the strength. The darkness outside captivated my attention. The rain on the window captured my interest. I could not let go. I continued staring outside. It was like being hypnotized by the world as it moved on without me. I couldn’t respond to Joshua, despite hearing his worried tone, I just didn’t have the the strength to answer.

I continued staring outside while Joshua just watched me. I knew he noticed that for the past few days I have been looking paler. I must have shivered a bit from the cold when I felt Joshua wrapped a quilt around me. I was grateful for the warmth, but the world of loneliness is too much for me to fight with, that I barely noticed Joshua’s presence.

“Hey, you’re freezing cold.” Joshua said as he grabbed a couple of mismatched socks and put them on my freezing feet. As usual, he waited for me to respond and when I didn’t, he stood up. “I’ll get you some tea.”

He hesitated before leaving me completely to prepare some tea, as if it will drive away the cold of living in a world where Seungcheol did not exist. He was gone, and even the sun felt cold.

Joshua came back with a steaming cup of tea. He placed it near the table beside me, but I hardly glance at it. I knew I was being a bitch, but I didn’t care. Everything in me hurts, if that’s even possible. The slightest move makes excruciatingly pains me. It was a constant reminder that I’m still fucking alive, while the love of my life had passed on.

"Hannie?" Joshua whispered and sat on the floor near me. Joshua looked so exhausted, that I almost felt guilty. He had been taking care of me after my incident. He barely slept just making sure that I was still breathing and that I don’t do anything “stupid” according to Seungkwan. “Hannie? I’m here. Please talk to me.”

I know Joshua meant well, but I wished he would just leave me alone. I wasn’t ready to face world, and I doubt that I will ever be. I just needed him to leave me alone. He must have been a mind reader, because the next thing I knew, he sigh and stood up. I thought I was alone at last, but he came back again, this time with porridge and a glass of water. He placed it beside the untouched tea.

“Hannie, it’s been two weeks already. You’re already burning a hole on this chair.” Joshua said as if it was enough to convince me to I don’t know, move? Joshua sat on the floor and rested his head on my leg. "Hannie? I'm here. Please talk to me."

It’s been two weeks since I was discharged from the hospital, where I spent another week after my incident. It’s now more than a month that Seungcheol’s gone, but nothing’s changed. I could still feel it. I could still feel the gaping hole in the pit of my stomach. I could still feel the ache in my heart each time I think of him.

I feel his absence on my bed, whenever I reached out at the other side and all I feel is air. His pillow had been empty for a month now, but I could still smell him. I try to drown myself in the lingering scent that seemed to have attached to his pillow, hoping that somehow it will get me by as I find my way back to him. His toothbrush still sits with mine. I try my best to ignore it when I use the bathroom. I try to ignore his unwashed clothes still on the hamper. His shampoo bottle, still half empty. His aftershave. Every nook and cranny of the room reminds me of him.

My mirror is still filled with our pictures, our first date, the first basketball game, a trip to the beach, ski trip, sleepovers, every first and every memory. Everything is still there, reminding me of everything I had, and everything I have lost.

Joshua seemed to have noticed that I was world’s apart. He tried to engage me again in another conversation, but I just kept quiet. There was nothing more for me to say. He sigh and stood up. He leaned and gave me a peck on my forehead. He made sure that I was warm enough in my before he silently walked away. He hesitated for a bit by the door, before closing it entirely, leaving me in darkness and in my solitude.

It was only then that I moved. I walked towards the mirror and snatched an old photo of Seungcheol and me. It was an old polaroid photo taken in one of the classrooms during our high school year. It was probably a few weeks after I transferred to the school and a few more weeks after we first said hi. I smiled as I stared at the photo. I accidentally dyed my hair blue before my first day in the new school and Seungcheol kept calling me blueberry for the whole month.


	19. The First Meeting (Flashback)

_Jeonghan transferred in the middle of semester during my junior high school. His Dad had to move for work, so he uprooted the entire family despite Jeonghan’s protest. But he didn’t really have a choice. It was either that or live alone. His mom convinced him to go. She said it was good practice for college. Besides, ever since his best friend Joshua left for the States during their second year, he hadn’t really been enjoying school. A new place and scenery would do him good, Jeonghan thought._

_He was walking towards the principal’s office when Jeonghan suddenly felt scared. The atmosphere of the school itself was completely different from his. He was from a public school that focused on physical education, where he majored in badminton._

_But the only school currently accepting transferees was a private school. Definitely a school for the rich. He only got in because his Dad’s promotion came with an academic assitance for all his kids. It was a school which focuses on different desciplines._

_He wanted to focus on sports, but the program was already full. So, Jeonghan was left with either the science program or the arts, he chose the latter._

_He looked around the polished wall, and the high end lockers and everything screamed money. The floors were polished to perfection and the walls were painted immaculately._

_He looked around and noticed just how bright everything was despite the bland grey color of the uniforms. He was in the arts department, so he could choose his area of_ _concentration such as music, dance, acting, painting, sculpting, and many more. He was undecided, so he only had general subjects._

_Jeonghan watched as students rushed from one room to another, with their friends always near them. He suddenly felt alone. Everything were already in place, and he was just transferring in the middle of the year and already in his third year. He was startled when someone carrying a bunch of books bumped into him._

_“Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” A boy with blond hair said. He has chubby cheeks, small eyes, and his blond hair that seemed to have been sprayed with something green. He looked like a pale lettuce, Jeonghan thought making him smile despite his nervousness. “I’m sorry! I couldn’t see because of the books.”_

_“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” Jeonghan answered crouching down to help the other boy gather his fallen books. The boy’s eyes widen when their eyes met_

_“_ _Holy shirt! You’re beautiful.” The boy said still staring at Jeonghan while grabbing his fallen books which seemed to be all about music composition. He must have been a music major, Jeonghan thought. “Shirt! You’re really pretty!”_

_Jeonghan knew that. He wanted to tell the boy. It was a time when he tried to keep his hair long which irritated his mom a lot with all the left behind hair on the pillow. But he loved it. It was something new, and something he needed going into a new unfamiliar environment._

_“Shirt?” Jeonghan asked._

_“Oh Jihoonie doesn’t like me cursing.” The boy smiled revealing his adorable cheeks._

_“Soonyoung-ah! I told you to hurry the fuck up.” Another boy with pink hair appeared at Soonyoung’s side and flicked his forehead. He had a bright pink hair, a cute face, and he was shorter than the other boy called Soonyoung. His appearance was completely opposite to what his cute and cuddly appearance portray. It seemed completely opposite to what seemed like his domineering side. It seemed that this boy is allowed to curse, Jeonghan noticed. “Stop being all over the place Kwon Soonyoung!”_

_Jeonghan almost laughed at Soonyoung’s face. His lips was protruding in a pout which the pink haired boy completely ignored. But despite the irritation on the pink haired boy’s voice, Jeonghan could see the fondness in his eye, as he helped the other boy collect his fallen books._

_“Jihoonie! I’m sorry. I just wanted to help!” Soonyoung said and stood up when he finally grabbed everything._

_Jeonghan waited for them to finish and shyly gave the book to Soonyoung who was still looking forlorn at Jihoon’s irritated face._

_“I swear I was moving as fast as I could that I even bumped to long hair angel dude here.” Soonyoung surmised._

_Jeonghan laughed at how the other boy addressed him. Jeonghan found it amusing to be called angel by a stranger and in a different place, since he was nicknamed mischievous angel in his previous school. He had a feeling he was going to like the boy Soonyoung. He looked sweet, fun, and energetic, definitely something that Jeonghan could use in his life at the moment._

_Jihoon frowned at Soonyoung for a bit before shifting his attention to Jeonghan. He looked at him with piercing eyes and Jeonghan almost took a step back, but held his ground. At the moment, he missed Joshua. He would have made everything less awkward with his gentleman manner. He was soft spoken and looked kind. Things were easier with his best friend with him but he was miles away in California._

_It was a full minute before Jihoon decided to talk. He must have decided that Jeonghan wasn’t really a danger to the toddler Soonyoung, that he seemed to be really fond of._

_“I’m sorry. Soonyoung’s is—“ But he wasn’t able to finish his sentence because something or someone that looked like a bean pole on skate board crashed into their huddled group making Jihoon fall on the ground and Soonyoung losing his grip on all the books that they had carefully gathered._

_Jeonghan watched as the three of them groaned in pain and irritation. It took a minute again before Jihoon’s hand was on the tall boy’s hair, pulling it as hard as he could making the tall boy yell in pain._

_“Yah! Kim Mingyu!” Jihoon yelled still pulling on his hair._

_“Hyung! Hyung! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” Mingyu said._

_As Jeonghan watched the exchanged, he couldn’t help but laugh a little at their own little show, which totally alerted the tall and lanky boy to his presence._

_Just like Jihoon, he checked out the newcomer as Jihoon gave his hair one last pull before helping Soonyoung again with the books._

_The boy Mingyu kept staring at Jeonghan, and Jeonghan just stared back, not entirely sure what to say and refusing to be intimidated by what looked like an overgrown puppy._

_“Stop staring Kim Mingyu, it’s rude.” Soonyoung said as Jihoon helped him up from the floor._

_Soonyoung seemed sweet. Jeonghan mentally added him to the list of people that he planned on befriending._

_Number 1, Kwon Soonyoung and that’s about it. He felt that Jihoon was too scary, while Mingyu was too— Jeonghan didn’t know what Mingyu was.He couldn’t believe that of all the school in the city, he had to be stuck in one that’s filled with klutz._

_He looked at Mingyu who seemed to have stepped on his shoe lace when he tried to take a step backward from Jihoon’s glare. Jeonghan decided as he looked at Mingyu’s built that he was good looking, an adonis god, definitely not mortal, a face genius, but definitely clumsy, in short a walking disaster._

_“I’m sorry about all these.” Soonyoung said and Jeonghan almost jumped. “I’m Soonyoung. That clumsy bean pole is Kim Mingyu. You might want to stay clear of him, he falls a lot.”_

_“Yah!” Mingyu protested making Soonyoung laugh again._

_“This is my Jihoonie” Soonyoung finished with a smile which didn’t last long because ‘his Jihoonie’ just kicked him on the shin, making him wince in pain. Jihoon offered his hand to shake which Jeonghan hesitatingly took._

_“I’m Jihoon. Just Jihoon. No to Jihoonie bullshit.” Jihoon joked making Soonyoung pout even harder._

_Jeonghan laughed at how Jihoon seemed to love teasing Soonyoung. But it was evident just how fond he was of Soonyoung with the way his eyes changed when he looks at the other boy._

_“I’m Jeonghan. Yoon Jeonghan.” I offered my hand to Jihoon but Soonyoung quickly grabbed it. Jeonghan aughed at the other boy’s antics. He knew then that the two probably had some understanding and Soonyoung was already building his fence around his Jihoonie. “I’m a transfer. Uhmm… vocal major?”_

_Soonyoung gave Jeonghan one of his face crunching smiles which Jeonghan easily returned. He found out early on how endearing the youngster was. Jihoon on the other hand just pushed Soonyoung away and took Jeonghan’s hand. He got excited when he learned that the concentration Jeonghan chose was music, as he needed someone to fill in as a group member for their vocal team._

_“If you’re good, you need to join our vocal team!” Jihoon excitedly said._

_“What team? There’s just one of you.” Soonyoung said earning him a glare from Jihoon who started counting while Soonyoung slowly back away from Jihoon. “It was a joke! Joke! Jihoonie!”_

_Soonyoung’s yelled as he ran away from Jihoon who was already chasing him in the hallway._

_Soonyoung’s yells of complains could still be heard all over the hallway when he was addressed once again by non other than clumsy Mingyu._

_“I’m Mingyu. I’m actually a freshman and currently undecided. Maybe I’ll go to modeling? But Seungcheol hyung said I have a good tone for rapping.” Mingyu explained to Jeonghan who just nodded, not sure of what to do with the information or who this Seungcheol was. “Are you a freshman?”_

_“Actually, I’m a junior.” Jeonghan explained and started walking. To his surprise, Mingyu followed him as he tried to navigate the confusing hallways of his new school._

_“Oh, you’re same age with Seungcheol hyung.” Mingyu said and Jeonghan noticed how Mingyu blushed every time this Seungcheol was mentioned._

_“You’ll probably meet him in one of you general education subjects, but if you’re a music major then you’ll have Jihoon hyung in all of your concentration classes.”_

_“Oh, okay.” Jeonghan replied. “Thank you, Mingyu-ssi.”_

_“Mingyu’s fine hyung!” Mingyu said and gestured to the door in front of them. “I figured you’re headed this way?”_

_“Oh, thank you.” Jeonghan said as he entered the principal’s office._

_To his surprised, the principal looked young. In fact, he looked like his age. He had huge eyes, and a perfect nose, a kind face, and long eyelashes. He looked like he recently jumped out of a manga comics. He had short buzzcut hair which Jeonghan thought was unusual for a principal. But he was sitting on the principal chair and was wearing a coat with the tag ‘principal choi,’ so Jeonghan had no choice but to proceed with caution._

_“Si— sir?” Jeonghan asked which somehow startled the boy who was currently rummaging through the computer on the desk, while a lone goldfish swam in a small aquarium on the desk. Jeonghan crossed his arms on his chest and raised one eyebrow. “You are a sir, a— aren’t you?”_

_“Sure, you can call me sir anytime.” The boy winked and answered flashing his gummy smile which brightened up his entire face. “Yoon Jeonghan, right?”_

_“Uhmm.. yes?” Jeonghan answered not entirely sure who the boy was. He took a seat on one of the chairs and watched as the other boy browsed thru his files._

_“You’re a junior?”_

_“Ye— yes? I’m sorry but who are you?” Jeonghan asked. “If you’re not some sort of principal then please stop browsing thru my files.”_

_“Yeah, yeah.” The other boy answered and showed no signs of stopping from reading his files. “You’re a straight—“_

_The other boy was not able to finish his sentence because Jeonghan suddenly moved and tried to swipe away his files. The other boy suddenly stood and stretched his arms away from Jeonghan as he possibly could. They were moving in circles when the other boy suddenly pulled Jeonghan by the shirt causing him to lose balance and fall on the other boy’s chest. It would have been a romantic scene if it weren’t for the fact that he accidentally bumped the small aquarium causing water to spill to the computer, thereby short circuiting it._

_The computer suddenly sent sparks of electricity, but not before they both run to save the fish which both of them securely held on their joint hands. The other boy’s eyes widen as he watched the fish grasp for breath. He ran to the thermos and almost poured hot water on a glass when Jeonghan’s yell stopped him._

_“Are you trying to make fish stew, dummy?!” Jeonghan yelled to the flustered boy who realized that he just tried to save a fish by putting it in hot water._

_He immediately took the cup and ran to the bathroom to get water. When he came back, Jeonghan was softly crooning to the fish to hang in there. The other boy offered the glass to Jeonghan who slowly let fish go to his new paper cup home._

_It was only when the fish fiasco was settled that both of them had the chance to look at the mess they just made. Jeonghan’s files were scattered through out the room. The chair was pushed back to a shelf where several books had fallen on the floor. The desk was filled with water. The paper works on the desk were wet. The worst part was the computer. Somehow the water leaked to the thing that connects everything creating a short circuit that caused the computer to shut down, completely, but not before sending sparks of electricity._

_Jeonghan kicked the boy in the shin who immediately started to jump around in pain._

_“Ouch, Jeonghannie! What did you do that for?” Seungcheol yelled._

_“You dummy! Jeonghannie?! Don’t call me as if you know me! You’re going to get me expelled, and on my first day and I don’t even know you!” Jeonghan yelled still clutching the paper cup on his chest._

_He was about to yell some more when an older man walked in and gasped at the mess in front of him._

_“Do even I want to know?” The man asked sternly. Jeonghan tried to speak but the other boy beat him to it._

_“It was my fault.”_

_“Of course it was. It always is, but it doesn’t change the fact that Mr. Yoon Jeonghan was part of this too.” The man said. He sigh and gestured for both students to follow him. He led them to an empty classroom at the end of the hall. and gestured for them to sit down. Jeonghan took a seat farthest from the other boy._

_“My name is Principal Siwon Choi. Jeonghan, I’m sure I can find your class schedule somewhere now that you guys blew off my computer. In the meantime, try to stay here with this doofus. You both have detention for the rest of the year—“_

_“Hyung—“ The other boy immediately stopped talking when the principal glared at him._

_The principal gave them one last look before letting himself out._ _Jeonghan looked at the other boy who was pouting. It was just the first day and he was already exhausted._

_“Thanks a lot you moron, it’s my first day and I’m already in fucking detention.”_

_“It’s not my fault you were dumb enough to believe that someone as good looking as me would ever become principal.”_

_“You were the moron who looked at my files.” Jeonghan retorted. It was taking all of him not to strangle the unknown boy._

_“They were just files. Why? Are you hiding something?” The boy asked and pretended to be shocked before yelling: “You are! Oh my God! Were you kicked out from your last school? What did you do? Smoked? Drink? Seduced a teacher with your beautiful hair?”_

_“Fuck you! You’re an asshole and thanks.” Jeonghan yelled. His patience was already wearing thin, but he reined it in not wanting to get in any more trouble._

_“Just say when— thanks?” The boy asked, confused with the words of gratitude._

_“Moron.” Jeonghan muttered._

_“Actually, it’s Seungcheol. A.K.A. S.coups.”_

_“Don’t care.”_

_They spent the rest of the period in silence with Jeonghan throwing death glares every now at Seungcheol, who did the same but was actually feeling guilty. When Principal Siwon came back, he gave Jeonghan his schedule and reminded both of them of their detention everyday after school._ _Seungcheol actually whined but Siwon just shut him up with a glare._ _They went their separate ways after their first period detention, but still had a year to serve every after school. Jeonghan hoped the principal was just joking about the duration. Seungcheol, on the other hand, was enjoying everything._

_“Don’t worry Jeonghannie. Hyung’s just joking about the year.”_

_“First, stop calling me Jeonghannie. Second, hyung?” Jeonghan asked his curiosity winning over his irritation._

_“He’s my brother.” Seungcheol smirked._

_“Whatever. You’re still an idiot.”_

_“You asked!” Seungcheol protested._

_“Whatever._

_“See you later blueberry!” Seungcheol called out._

_“Later moron.” Jeonghan said. He couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on his face despite his irritation._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are appreciated.
> 
> Rants: @soonhaee or curiouscat.me/soonhaee

**Author's Note:**

> -Writing this in the format of a narrative poem, mostly in free verse. I've always been fascinated by stories told in such form and always wanted to write one but lacked inspiration and motivation. I have become more of a reader than a writer after certain life event and have since accepted the fact that long gone is the dream to become one.  
> -Will include chapters with narrative, especially those parts important to the story.  
> -So please bear with me. Thank you!


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